


the bathtub incident and other reasons as to why klaus was uninvited from thanksgiving this year.

by meganbloomfield



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Gen, Why Did I Write This?, awful, i don't understand, i love you but i don't understand, i wanted to establish myself as a creator who writes with a dark academia theme and instead, im not even calling this awful in like a fake humble way this is genuinely garbage, instead i post this, no beta we die like ben, who cares, who knows - Freeform, why the fuck are you guys loving this fic so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24850831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meganbloomfield/pseuds/meganbloomfield
Summary: in which klaus fills his bathtub with ungodly substances, diego wants to do a fucking crossword puzzle, and i end my career as a serious, artistic writer before it ever even began. written in 2019. i did not proofread before i posted.
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves
Comments: 21
Kudos: 31





	the bathtub incident and other reasons as to why klaus was uninvited from thanksgiving this year.

**Author's Note:**

> i think i wrote this in march 2019. i figured i’d post it because my computer’s dead and i have nothing better to do. anyway, what a great introduction to any potential audience i may have. happy birthday to luciimariiellii, i love you and i’m sorry and your birthday gift will be up very soon, i promise.

“ _ Dieeeeeeegooooooo,  _ I made an uh-oh!”

Diego looked up from his work, rolling his eyes when he realized that the call had come from Klaus. Deciding to ignore him, he returned to his Very Important Work Thing until Klaus called him again.

“Diego, I need your help! Come on,  _ mi amigo _ !”

“First of all, that is racist, and I’m not helping you, I’m busy,” Diego replied. Klaus ducked his head into the hallway.

“Busy with a crossword puzzle?” Klaus asked and Diego covered up the Very Important Work Thing That Definitely Wasn’t A Crossword Puzzle with a stack of papers. 

“What the hell do you want?” Diego finally turned to see his brother wearing a grass skirt, a purple magnetic halo, and a Kanye West t-shirt advertising a concert from 2014.

“I have made a very, very big mistake! And I need your help with it, or we may all die? C’mon!” Klaus dashed into the bathroom and Diego, not knowing what else to do, followed.

  
  
  


“What the hell did you do this for?” Diego cried, surveying the near-destroyed bathtub. The tub was filled with purple slime and overripe mangos. Klaus looked ashamed.

“Well, I was watching a YouTube video.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And there was this guy.”

“Right.”

“Who was cooking a batch of raisin cookies.”

“Okay.”

“And I thought it would be cool to fill the bathtub with slime and mangos.”

Diego sighed. “ _ Why _ ?”

Klaus shrugged. “I just thought-”

“How did you get from YouTube baking tutorial to filling the entire fucking tub with  _ slime  _ and  _ mangoes _ !?” Diego screeched. He didn’t even care about his crossword puzzle- erm, Important Work Thing, anymore. He just wanted to strangle Klaus.

“Are you mad? You seem mad.”

_ “I’ve been mad at you all week.” _

“Is this because I started twerking while Vanya was playing  _ Heart and Soul  _ on her violin on Wednesday?” Klaus asked, taking a swig of Vodka from a paper cup.

“No.”

“Is it because I took all of the photos of Luther and replaced them with pictures of Putin?”

“ _ No. _ ”

“Is it because I exploded the canoe?”

“No, it’s not because- wait, you  _ what? _ ”

  
“Nothing,” Klaus said, taking a drag from a tube of toothpaste he had set on fire.

“Jesus, how many functioning brain cells do you have?” Diego asked, incredulous.

“One, but I share it with Ben.”

“You’re such a fucking moron.”   
  
“That’s what Ben said!” Klaus yelled, snorting cocoa powder up his nose. “Anyway, I need your help cleaning it up so we don’t all get very ill from the poisonous slime.”

“Poisonous?” Diego shrieked. Klaus nodded solemnly. Diego shook his head to clear his thoughts. _He’d just wanted to do his crossword._

“You’re gonna clean up this slime, and these mangoes-”

“And the layer of dog shit under them.”

“And then you’re gonna go in time-out.”

“Time out!?” Klaus’s face fell. “I’m a grown man!”

“I don’t care!” Diego responded. “You did an awful, terrible thing to the tub. Five is gonna dish out your punishment. Five, come here!”

“No, no no no, Diego, not Five, please no- Heyyyy! Fiiiiive! Buddy! What’s up?” Klaus attempted to look casual, draping himself across the toilet. 

“Five, dish out a punishment for Klaus. He fucked up the tub.” Diego nodded at Five and left.

“Five.  _ Fiver. Buddy.  _ We’ve always been close! I was always a friend to you. Don’t do this!” Klaus pleaded as Five looked over the tub.

“You know what to do,” Five said, frowning at his brother.

“Five.  _ No. Please. _ ”

“Get on top of the fridge. You’re in time-out.”

“ _ No! _ ”

Five grabbed Klaus and teleported him into the kitchen. “Get on the fridge.”

“But-”

_ “Now!” _

Klaus pulled himself up on the fridge, tears streaking down his cheeks, cocoa powder spilling out of his nostrils. “This house is a  _ fucking nightmare! _ ”

**Author's Note:**

> dude if you read this far i’m so sorry. come scold me on Discord: john mulaney will defeat thanos#7537. i promise my work is so much better than this. check out the link in my description to see what i write.


End file.
